My Martini

When I was a child I loved chocolate milk. It didn’t matter if it was served up in a paper cup, a coffee mug or a saucer. As long as I could get it into my mouth I was happy.

But I have grown and my tastes have changed.

Sometime in my 40s I developed a fondness for vodka. I was first introduced to it in a Bloody Mary. But as the years went on I didn’t need the bloody. (Or the celery.)

By definition a martini is made with vodka or gin and a swirl of dry vermouth. That’s it. No garnish unless specified.

I’m very precise about how I like my martini. I let the server know that if it doesn’t meet my expectations I will send it back. I’m not a bitch about it, it’s just a matter of fact. I wasn’t always so picky when drinks were 10 bucks. But now that they’re $25 I think I should get exactly what I want.

Let me explain.

Somewhere a long the way “Dirty Martinis” (made with a splash — or a lot of splashes — of olive juice) became fashionable. When you ordered a martini younger-ish bartenders started splashing olive juice automatically. I didn’t mind this for a while until I noticed I was waking at 3am crawling for water.

No more olive juice. But I have to specify, “no dirt” or else I can assume I’ll get it. But when I explain I want “straight vodka with no dirt and no vermouth,” they say, “Oh, you want a martini.”

“No, I don’t want a martini. A martini is made with vermouth. I want just vodka. Straight.” But then I risk being served my drink“neat” in a highball glass. omg.

So I’ve started specifying the kind of glass I prefer, which would be a V-shaped stemmed martini glass. It’s easier to sip from. A coupe — originally designed for champagne and I wish it stayed that way — is too delicate and one must tilt it further to take a sip — very often getting more vodka on your chin then on your lips. These things matter. They change the experience. They just do.

Some establishments have opted for coupe glasses because they’re easier for servers to balance on a tray without spillage. That may be, but I was a waitress and never had a problem. Eyes straight ahead. Do not look at your tray!

If only coupes are on hand I will likely order a glass of wine.   

There’s a restaurant in NY that switched from V-shaped stemware to coupes but they keep a V-shape glass behind the bar for when I come in. I love them for this.

Also … a glass is glass! There’s an outdoor place I used to frequent that started serving martinis in plastic V-shaped stemware during Covid and then never stopped. Let’s be clear. These aren’t glasses. They’re plastics. They have less weight. Again, it changes the experience. The same way lightweight cutlery doesn’t have the same gravitas as a knife and fork with some heft.

And then there’s the issue of a shaker: when it’s not rinsed properly I can detect traces of … let’s say cranberry juice … in my martini. If I wanted a Cosmo I would have ordered a Cosmo. Same goes for a shaker that just shook a gin martini or anything with lime juice.

So here’s my order …. I make it super clear so there should be no question.

First: “Do you serve martinis in V-shaped stemmed glasses?” If they say they do we move on.

“In that case may I please have a Tito’s martini straight up without vermouth or dirt, shaken super hard? And I beg you to make sure the shaker has been rinsed thoroughly. Olives on the side. BUT NO DIRT. (I always have to say that twice.)

My husband used to cringe when I ordered my drink. Now he chuckles. My friends watch for the server’s reaction. But any server or schooled bartender with a work ethic will appreciate when someone tells them exactly what they want and how they like it. They won’t think I’m high maintenance or a bitch.

Unless I send it back.

But then … perhaps they didn’t listen in the first place. 😬

***********

PS My brother-in-law Claude makes a great martini. He shakes it so hard that a few ice shavings float on the surface. It’s absolutely divine.

PSS I will have a Bloody Marty occasionally but only on planes. And no celery. Just plenty of lime.

Thanks for staying with me. You can subscribe to my blog here. Get a signed CD or a copy of “Confessions of a Serial Songwriter.” And here’s My Serial Songwriter Facebook Page! 💋