Trust Anyway

I used to be an “I” - a registered Independent. I can’t say I remember ever voting party line for an R but, as I do have some conservative values (that even some of my closest friends may not be aware of🤓) I wanted the option to do so. (I also have a convertible with a roof I don’t lower as much as I should. But I want the option. Don’t fence me in. I’ll never give it up.)

So … I was a proud I. 

Until 2016. 

It wasn’t specifically ‘building a wall’ that made me switch to D. Or the effort to kill Obama care — I can stomach not having my way for a cycle here and there. The likelihood is that the pendulum will swing back again in time. It was The Crazy - the breaking down of common decency in leaders who should be the quintessential role models for our children. etc…

Although I probably would have pulled the lever for the imperfect Hillary whether I was an I or a D, I felt the responsibility to vote in the primary and pre-clear her way forward, otherwise for the following 4 years it would be like we were home alone — mommy and daddy gone from the mothership. 

I trusted. We all know what happened. 

Fast forward. In 2020 we (well, half of us) got a reprieve. But the albatross was still at large. 

I had a mysterious health issue in the years that followed. My doctor had a theory which he prefaced with, “don’t take this the wrong way, but“ — (that’s like when Adam says, “Honey, don’t be mad but” …. I KNOW I’m gonna be mad.) He asked me when my last episode started, suspecting stress might be a trigger, and it just happened that 😳 it was in fact on the eve of the 2020 election … when it was clear that … nothing was clear. I resented his implication. I didn’t see it. I was in pain and I wanted a magic pill! 

But I kinda see it now. I mean, I think my issue was real. But stress was definitely poking that bear. 

It was right around then I started meditating and though I feel ridiculous trying to clear my mind of monkey (cuz, let’s face it … do you know me?) I still trust that in some way, the ‘trying’ is what matters. It feels good to keep trying and trusting. 

Last Tuesday morning I FaceTime’d with my daughter Layla, and told her I’ve been thinking a lot about faith. She, in an effort to comfort me, said the definition of faith is “trust anyway.” God I love her. 

I wrote it down on a Post-it. That would be my mantra throughout a very busy day. No matter how it turned out. If daddy was going to be stripped of his power, I’d still be ok. I’d work on a musicaI. I’d plan that safari. Take a road trip with the top down. Things to look forward to. We do what we can and then we have to just breath deeply and …. live. 

But I was realistic: The polls. The media. The ‘crazy’ apparently wasn’t going anywhere. 

Late afternoon I drove to Thousand Oaks to teach a songwriting class. I’d be off the grid for some time. I couldn’t have checked my phone if I wanted to. (I don’t do that to the kids. I need to be present. I don’t like them looking at their phones.) 

It was about about 9PT when class was over. I got into my car, tapped my iPhone screen and braced for the damage. My threads were on fire. Damage not that bad. No wave. Anything else was gravy. 

And then there was gravy. Who were these people (well — enough of them) who crossed party line? Voted against their priorities? Against the crazy. 

Conscientious objectors. 

Yesterday, I saw Chris Sununu (an R) on the news. He was affable and sensible. The idea of putting a check next to his name on a future ballot seems plausible. We don’t see eye to eye ideologically but as a human he was … well human. Reasonable.

I tell Adam I’d vote for L. (Liz). He says “careful what you wish for.” Perhaps. But she’s decent and has principles and IMO these are the attributes we need most in a leader right now. No matter what their politics. We have one of those and there’s hope we can converse civilly. Negotiate peacefully. 

Today I put gas in my tank when it was only half empty. I thought it would be nice to see $59 on the meter for a change rather than $109. Inflation is insane. I’ll manage but what about my friends who are hyperventilating on the way to the grocery store? That usually makes people want to try something else. There’s a reason why there are checks on the party in power. But conscientious objectors —there was just some stuff they couldn’t eat. 

I have to believe that with decency all else will fall in line. Maybe I’m naive. Maybe that’s easy for me to say this particular week. Cuz no doubt that pendulum will swing again. And keep swinging. It’s supposed to. That’s ok. I’m going to continue to trust anyway. 

Namaste. 

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